there was a firepit and a beautiful woman ive never met before and she cradled me while i slept. there was no fire, the rocks were red hot. i heard her say that my eyes flitter when im half asleep and that i love her. she loves me back and that im comfortable where i am. her love is urgent she said. i was sleeping when i heard her say this. her face was freckled and full of light. short dark hair and fair, angelic skin. the woods were very near. it was evening the sun yet to set beneath the horizon. we were partnered up earlier in the day as we first met. a competition. a fiery evil competition with knives and blood. a basement full of frozen flesh and fruit. my girlfriend was there too, partnered with someone else. in the time this started it was apparent that she loved me as well. the feeling of waking up next to someone else is so unbelievably foreign and wrong. yet it happened, early dawn birds the couch was just big enough for two bodies. fear anxiety and hatred creeps in and i cant shake it even now as i am fully awake and recollect this very realistic feeling dream. who was she, how does she know me, why does she love me.

dreams are not fun. i hope to never see her face again. stranger wrapped in white cloth. please dont come back.

im spending money to get art punctured into my skin. seeping in the ink will remain a part of me until i die or lose the limb. hopefully the latter. im getting something is a part of all of us. something we simply could not live without as humans because we have hearts and minds that feel things and know things that nothing else on earth knows. we also have the oppurtunities to change these specifics into something grand. better. for good. the whole good for nothing. no cash reward or plaque with your name on it. we know things nothing else knows. the sea is this one thing. the eternal. the ebb and flow of literally every thing. where everything came from. life. the most majestic. we used to be fish. now we catch them with hooks. we grill them wrapped in aluminum foil and garlic and lemon and herbs and white wine. we indulge in something knowing fully that our thievery will be the end of our indulgences. sooner or later there will be no more wild but store bought and farmed. farming fish. we’re supposed to farm vegetables and fruit. not fish. but this is what it has come to. we’re too smart to not do the things we do but too dumb to realize when to stop. ancient beasts underneath the waves. the largest of all living things that i will ever see for the rest of my life. whatever the case may be, however the world ends, i will die with these beasts by my side.

-always remember, if you’re alone in the kitchen and you drop the lamb, you can always just pick it up. Who’s going to know?

im not fit to care for anything. ive no patience, tolerance. i get steam pot angry red over the most trivial of things. apparently my toes are always dangling off the ledge. just need a slight nudge and im off. my dog hates me. i hate him. regardless of what we do he never stops being cunt. still have no car. monotony reality. its groundhogs day everyday and im losing my fucking mind. get me out of here way away far far away from barking unappreciative mutts. i want silence and warmth. i want fitness and health. my lazy fat self obviously doesnt. im my own nightmare moving forward. so off to work for the rest of the day. sucking another dick.

looking for something new. we all know whatever becomes new eventually becomes old so we move on. im ready to move on, at least for today.  i want to be a chef, conservationist and a musician. i want to garner skills known to a select few and perfect those specifics. i need a place to put these things in my head, i need a lottery win in order for this to happen. dreaming big is silly but for those without religion or wealth or support its easy to do. its also always easier to shoot those very ideas to death. negativity is my greatest enemy. i know, with my whole head and heart that i am the most capable of beings in which to pursue these absurdities i possess, but fuck the rest of my life if i dont try. maybe for the first time ill be able to run towards something instead of away from it. wish me luck. 

the oven caught fire. almost all of it. the baking soda did numbers on that fire. numbers. little boy big man got bit and handled it well.  if i were him, i mean if i were not a dog i would have fucking killed, literally killed, whatever did that to me. clearly the dood is a better man.  so now i sit making sure hes ok, not eating glass from the ball jar that broke into a million pieces with his treats inside. im almost positive ive never loved some THING so much. my baby boy dood man how much i care for him.  happiness i believe is a fur ball that continuously loves you regardless.  such is the dood.  the dood that lurves.  right now hes snoring, eyes closed, furry legs running in his sleep. whiskers twitching, happy. now moms home, so time to log it off. just wanna let everyone know how awesome the man boy little dude is.  hes great, loving, and most of all, he trusts the people he lives with.  hes amazing this one. loving little boy. unbearably sweet. wouldnt hurt a soul.  unless you take his peanut butter. cutie.

silence, sadness, it isnt real. the real things are in between. flip fucking flop. wah fucking wah and fuck yourself if you think your world is ending. including myself. heavy is a really, REALLY HEAVY thing. but it gets lighter. like the water when you come up for air. that first breath. the only breath for the rest of your life. the one you actually want. the fresh one. full of life, full of i hope i fucking breathe again breath. god its insane. this whole stupid fucking thing. it is so stupid, so little, so arrogantly benign yet so irresistably brilliant. such is this.  this little god forsaken piece of shit puzzle we have to put together. confusion say no more. its a tough fight fuck fights but we love them anyhow. its in our blood. our red red rum blood. fight. fuck. hope. pray. lost, found, lost again. circle circle. its a circle. like the dude from chuck and larry. a fucking circle, come around full hopefully the next time it will never be a triangle. or a square. this place is always. always always spinning beside itself and everyone you know. where did yesterday go? the happy the sun brought is already gone? day in day out. sun in, moon out.  clouds fill and everything beside itself a shadow. ocean swirl trash collection pacific ocean. wonder what the fish think. massive shadow sunshine overflow. if only the ocean were where we lived. lets take a shit on where we live.

this whole world sucks a piece of shit and dick. ive given up on trying to do anything. the next two days are me on a couch not moving. piss and shit myself and live like the dirty rotten vile smelly fuck i am. ive realized now its pointless to try and appease any one thing. my girlfriend, my dog, myself, family are all out on a limb swaying in the breeze and its really fucking windy out there. i punched the floor until i broke my knuckle tonight. threw my phone at the door and hit her in the forehead instead. for no reason. because we have no money. our house is cold and our bills are fucking expensive because the house is a fucking piece of muddy diarrhea. i want to be emaciated. maybe i should do meth. quit my job and brew moonshine and live off the dying earth. in the freezing north so i dont have much chance for survival. maybe the wolves will get me first, maybe the weather. ill die under a swirl of stars and wind and snow staring at the sky sad and alone. ive dreamt of this for as long as i can remember. not sure what it was while growing up that made me so fucked. i hate my heritage lineage blood and brain. even have high blood pressure. so fucked since birth. its a total fucking lie when they say you can do or be anything you want to do or be. its a goddamn fucking shot in the fucking dark if you ever amount to anything you dont loathe entirely. the point of life it seems is to suffer until you simply cannot take it anymore. bipolar anorexic drug addicted alcoholic. caring about everything that matters not a bit. this life has always sucked for every human being. we are the epitome of things that should not be. for that human reason i hate myself and everyone around me even more. the beatles were completely wrong. all you need is love bullshit. not one part of this world is love. if you can find it let me know. we have hearts but we dont know how to use them. we have brains but we seemed to misplace them. we have eyes that continue to be blind.  i cant express how much i hate this place. the whole entire place. its only because i hate myself. all of it that i cant be happy. happiness does not exist anywhere but inside and ive completely misunderstood the directions on how to get there. 

feed me to the wolves now, please, so i can stop causing all this relentless pointless emotional havoc that has recently become a plague in this life. push me into traffic, hurl me off a bridge, stab my throat, bleed me. hang my head from the rafter and tie the noose real tight, starve me, shoot my face. life is death and im dying ever so painfully slow. wah fucking wah. go fuck yourself.

thinking about exactly how i arrived at this particular moment in life. laying on a couch which was given to me, a dog at my feet, surrounded by things that are not very useful or important. things. listening to mellow indie Siskiyou and wandering in my head. staring at the ceiling waiting for 5 to roll around so i can go to work and be even more miserable. the moments leading to this, i cant figure it out. arizona, grand canyon 2000. people thought i was a girl. i was 12. looked like a hanson brother. high school in a horrid building filled with even more horrid people.  left alone and festering in a corner full of sadness and hatred. relationship. best worst thing ever. learning curve out the window. life doesnt prepare you for life. wheres it leave me now? graduation. pizza. cookout. money. trip to oregon 2006. winter. february. cold, alone, prineville sitting on a butte on a ledge overlooking small rundown cowboy town. wind cold and lonely and silver clouds. tried to write fingers froze. walked a lot. saved the paper the oregonian on account of freakishly warmer weather in the trip. pictures of ashleigh and postcards. distant relatives and uncomfortable dinners with stranger family. long drive. sunflowers on the plane ride to boston. waste of time and money going to college in lowell and haverhill and boston and vermont. lost time. convenient friends. learned enough, forgot almost all of it already. binge drinking and movies and darkness and guitar. touring. chicago, pennsylvania. drunk. yvette and lyndsey texas. detroit and garages. snowstorms and cozy fluffly sheets and blankets. waking on floors on top of sticky cards and beer soaked pants. skyline grey and cold. slush. deep dish pizza sears tower helicopter lake michigan. car crash. stolen gear. farewell to friends. online arguements. phone calls home. no one cared. lost three jobs. kristen called. sex and leaves and cold weather. cigarette smoking and karaoke. farming and back pain. brooklyn. sushi. basement show. stayed with polish guys. saw lady getting beat by man. drive home. long days spent in bed watching nesn and listening to only by the night. in love. amore. skating to work at 4 am having to take lip ring out stupid outfit stupid company. shit job. lost it staying at stellas irresponsible. fried food and beer and couch. showers and big bed all alone. driving a saab and blaring music. the beach. we went to the beach. route 110. methuen. panda and jim. tequila and drinking games and margaritaville cards slippery. waking up with undies around my feet. north conway. merry christmas sleeping in the car and sleeping at donnas and shitty holidays without dad. excuses for getting wasted. summer and had no choice. needed to leave get out of bedroom. oranges and tequila last night at home. oregon. bought ticket with last of money and left. waited a month and there she was. driving through town staying at a hotel late ordered out and ate at a swiss chatel weird place on the way home. sunflower seeds driving through mt. hood. redmond=disaster hell hole drinks at martini bar and appetizer. fighting with douchebags and living with sam. cats. and playboy. slinging shades and packing noodles in plastic bags. edamame, very cold edamame. miso soup, not understanding what anyone was saying. camping in hood river, full sail brew tour love. firewood guy living there was nice. baked beans blowjobs and fire dancing and throwup. wine country pictures. smiling. happiness crime. hippie bag and surf shop. more beer. bend. new job downtown. new apartment alone time. carpets and decorating and cooking. shitty neighbors that love rocks and geology. cant flush the toilet after 10 pm. no pets allowed. got the majority of the security deposit back. moved into to home september 2010. dave matthews and ben harper gorge. trever falling down the hill. sunset and new sandals. all along the watchtower and golfing. good food and drink and company. home. cold winter shit heaters no insulation crooked house. dancing in the first snowfall no shoes. promotions and money lead to this year. selling car in july riding bikes everywhere. purchase many records and alphabetize them. skip year and we have a dog. oscar. cute as a button and vocal and soft and warm hearted psycho child. humane society savior home maker heart melter. punching cars and yelling at neighbors. happy 4th. sister and boyfriend living and sharing space. kalen likes toilet paper. oscar likes greenies and pb. new year no lease and house is doing worse than ever shit landlord sucks does nothing cheap fucker. 25th birthday and drinking jcs bar and friends and jenga and shots. shuffleboard. almost halloween now. made a wreath. turned the heaters back on. here we are. 

this is where i am how i got here why. now we think were moving back in a couple years starting over in a new town cross country again this time together. coastal maine northern cold snow seagulls and most importantly family. begin again. life is becoming a circle im starting to redraw every 5 years. pick up and go again. never too comfy always one foot out the door sweater on my back bag on my shoulders packed for the winter of the rest of this life. repeat. play. stop. pause. rewind. repeat. back and forth. where we end i do not know. roller coaster riding no bar hands up high in the air mouth open wide screaming.

i used to despise the idea of using an item to make you feel less. now thats all i do. all i want to do. forget everything.